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448 Views 6 Replies Last post: Dec 1, 2017 3:19 PM by Phoenix61 RSS
Level 0 3 posts since
Nov 8, 2017
Currently Being Moderated

Nov 29, 2017 7:48 PM

Cassandra Project - Book Series

I am writing a 5 book series and need feedback on the content I created in the link. My goal is to target 7-9 year olds and to educate them while creating a magical connection between a girl and her pet catepillar.

 

https://www.createspace.com/Preview/1235584 

 

Lakiasha

Level 5 4,204 posts since
Oct 27, 2010
Currently Being Moderated
1. Nov 29, 2017 9:39 PM in response to: kiad39
Re: Cassandra Project - Book Series

kiad39 wrote:

 

My goal is to target 7-9 year olds

That's exactly what you should do. Offer to read your story to kids, wherever you may find them. We're not your target audience, not by a long shot. The only valid feedback you'll get here is commentary about poor punctuation (ahem), etc.

Level 4 2,517 posts since
Feb 7, 2015
Currently Being Moderated
2. Nov 29, 2017 9:59 PM in response to: kiad39
Re: Cassandra Project - Book Series

The mixture of present and past tense strikes a sour note right off the bat. Pick a tense and stick with it.

Level 4 2,517 posts since
Feb 7, 2015
Currently Being Moderated
5. Dec 1, 2017 11:07 AM in response to: kiad39
Re: Cassandra Project - Book Series

Original:

Audrey giggles. "That sounds like a 

lovely dream, Cassandra! Do you know 

where butterflies come from?" she 

asked. Cassandra puts down her fork, 

stop smiling and looked up at her mom.

Present tense:

Audrey giggles. "That sounds like a 

lovely dream, Cassandra! Do you know 

where butterflies come from?" she 

asks. Cassandra puts down her fork, 

stops smiling and looks up at her mom.

Past tense:

Audrey giggled. "That sounds like a 

lovely dream, Cassandra! Do you know 

where butterflies come from?" she 

asked. Cassandra put down her fork, 

stopped smiling and looked up at her mom.

Mixing tenses is almost as egregious as using unnecessary dialogue attributions, such as "she asks/asked" in the example. Your "Audrey giggled" beat makes it perfectly clear who the speaker is.

 

Furthermore, I think an Oxford comma after "smiling" would make the sentence read better. What's an Oxford comma? Look it up.

Level 3 692 posts since
Jul 18, 2009
Currently Being Moderated
6. Dec 1, 2017 3:19 PM in response to: kiad39
Re: Cassandra Project - Book Series

You need the help of a good editor. Your punctuation and grammar skills are poor, which is okay for getting a storyline down, but not very good for publication.

Joe.

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