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218,416 Views 733 Replies Last post: Feb 17, 2011 8:35 AM by M.S.Medic RSS
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Level 0 12 posts since
Jan 23, 2009
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Feb 1, 2009 7:03 PM

Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Eat, drink, and kick butt until you die. Alex slightly modifies a popular New Orleans motto, as well as rotates her last name to elude the rapist stalking her. She bursts into a New Orleans alley to rescue a mugging victim, using her fun neuro-electric powers. Soon she realizes that not only has she interrupted a dragon hunt, she has helped the dragon. Perfect. When the injured dragon needs body heat to survive, Alex reluctantly provides it. Doubly perfect. But the dragon, Gabe, is more human than the criminals Alex faces, and saves her when the rapist returns. Alex flees with Gabe back to his brothers who explain that they have been sent from their own world as a part of a ?Calling? to help others. Alex reveals that she awoke recently, with strange powers, in the bed of the rapist. She broke free of him to fight crime, preferring to die from a drug dealer?s bullet than at his hands. The brothers want to discover her past, but she wants to join their team and run off on a Calling. The book shows how she handles new powers, memory loss, an obsessed rapist, and a team of quarreling brothers, with a mixture of humor, strength, and a dash of understandable fear.

     My manuscript is urban fantasy chick lit designed for the well established audience who enjoy a strong, smart, and snarky female protagonist. Alex offers them a new choice among the current stock of detectives, witches, and vampires.

Level 1 15 posts since
Dec 30, 2008
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1. Feb 1, 2009 7:22 PM in response to: JMCI
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Sounds good.  Let me know what you all think of this:

 

"When Kate Boswell finds that her mother has demanded a divorce from her husband, she decides to seek refuge in her the strikingly handsome young man she has known for some years.

After several weeks with him, she discovers she is pregnant and delightedly imagines that maybe this is the beginning to the end of all her troubles. 

But she is wrong. 

It is the beginning to the first of all her troubles.  Her lover is outraged and abandons her when he discovers it.  She is once again alone and frightened, with no money, no connections.  All she ever knew and loved has vanished in a matter of moments?and all because of passion and now hate.

But John Bencheley, a young man of the country, is happy and contented with life in general.  He has his family, the beautiful rolling hills of his hometown, and a steady friend.  Nothing seems out of the ordinary for them.  They are a picture of family unity, family togetherness. 

But when a dream opportunity leads him to come into London, he comes upon Kate Boswell?the once happy, carefree beauty he had seen only once before, now so despondent and troubled.  When he goes to ask her if she would sing for some operas, she has disappeared without any explanation.

Will he ever find her?  Can?t he find someone else to replace her?  Is he really seeking her for the operas?  What will happen to her now that she is a mother with no husband?  Who can she turn to?  And if she does go to her father or mother, how can she be sure they will not spread the truth about her?

Set in Victorian England, this novel entwines several plots to make one very fascinating book. "

Level 1 15 posts since
Jan 30, 2009
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3. Feb 1, 2009 8:21 PM in response to: JMCI
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

JMCI,

 

Read the whole thing and liked it. Did drift off in the middle of anything. No obvious mistakes. I like your audience description.

 

Good luck!

 

LuanneO

Level 1 35 posts since
Jan 30, 2009
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4. Feb 1, 2009 8:40 PM in response to: JMCI
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Do I really need to include description of genre,storyline etc.?

Here'smine:

 

Colombia?s decades long civil war has fallen to the back pages of the world?s newspapers and Internet search engines.  America?s War on Terror has stubbornly taken center stage and shows no signs of giving it up.  Pardo is an ambitious Colombian paramilitary leader who has grown impatient with America?s shift in funding and focus, which has left his own war effort dangerously ignored and under financed.  Tired of begging for whatever pennies that can be spared from the war with Osama; Pardo will stage an attack on The United States that will leave Bin Laden himself drooling with envy.  Colombia has smuggled thousands of tons of cocaine and heroin into America over the years ? much of it on commercial airlines.  Blowing a few of those same planes out of the sky over American cities is a simple matter for a man with Pardo?s credentials.  Exploding passenger airplanes will surely refocus America?s attention and funding on Colombia once again.  Such ambitious plans demand perfect timing and allies in the highest and the lowest of places.  There is not a minute to be wasted.

Level 1 25 posts since
Jan 31, 2009
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5. Feb 1, 2009 8:48 PM in response to: JMCI
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Okay, here is mine. Please on the feedback...I can review it for another few minutes, but if I look at it one more time, I might go cross-eyed permanently!

 

A TOUCH OF DARKNESS is a mystery that gives you a peek inside the life of a woman struggling to find her place within a world she looks upon but can?t touch.  It?s an energetic, fast-paced story full of humor and sorrow, and the exploration of one woman?s love-hate existence.

Abbey St. Michael, an ex-cop, has joined the recently growing ranks of supernaturally capable men and women around the world; a world joined at a cost.  Her job, child, marriage, and friends are stolen by her touch clairvoyance ? her ability to see the past through physical contact.  It takes years to adjust to her ability and, as Abbey finally begins to accept her solitary life, a new neighbor and a string of murders threatens everything.

A TOUCH OF DARKNESS demanded to be written. Abbey is a strong-willed character I identify with personally.  I was engrossed as soon as the first scene began writing itself. Abbey has a strong, rough outer shell harder than steel, but secretly hopes someone will see through her jaded persona to the lonely woman beneath. Her story is enriched by character interplay with an emotional backbone, and is woven together with a strong plot, subplot, and easy style. 

An avid reader, I am drawn to supernatural novels like those by Laurell K. Hamilton and Jacqueline Carey.  I began writing in high school and taking writing classes, and am currently enrolled in two writing classes and am a member of several writers groups.  I have essentially self-published one novel, SISTER LIGHT, under the name B.B. Walter, and have had moderate success.  Also completed are SISTER DARK and A TOUCH OF MADNESS.  I have six novels in progress within the categories of science fiction, fantasy, children?s literature, and romance, and am dedicated to seeing each one a success.

Level 1 25 posts since
Jan 31, 2009
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6. Feb 1, 2009 8:51 PM in response to: beck
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

beck,

 

good question...rfom what i understood of the tutorials, the judges will be looking for those details in the pitch, although with why you wrote it, etc. but i did like the way yours read...i wasn't bored and it was concise and catchy.

Level 0 14 posts since
Jan 1, 2009
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7. Feb 1, 2009 8:52 PM in response to: JMCI
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

(Here is mine, after reworking it several times:)

 

?The Girl with the Rainbow Eyes? is a Celtic adventure story that takes place in Post-Roman Britain during the Age of Arthur and concerns Ana, a peasant girl born with a soul of pure magic. Hidden away in the Mortal world from the evil Raven-King and his Dark minions who live in Faery when she was born Ana will discover that she embodies the entirety of magic in the Universe and after she has been taken. Cador, a young ambitious prince, has been chosen by the God of Magic, Gwydion, to rescue her and undo the actions of Mórrígan, the Goddess of War. It becomes a race to save her and set things right against impossible odds or the Universe will be destroyed if Ana?s untapped powers are exploited.

 

     This is a story that is brimming with wondrous magic, mystery and gripping action from the beginning to the end. Through the eyes of Cador and Ana the readers can explore the fabled land of Faery in a way that has never been seen before in literature, past or present. Both Cador and Ana learn about maturity and love along the way, while confronting their worst fears about identity and self-reliance while overcoming terrible odds and foes.

 

     ?The Girl with the Rainbow Eyes? (112,040 words) is written by a Celtic and Arthurian scholar with the only Masters in Arthurian Studies degree worldwide from the University of Wales Lampeter, steeped with over twenty solid years of study behind it. Painstaking research has gone into every aspect of the world and characters and fans of Arthurian fantasy, Celtic culture and faery-tales will relish the adventure. More stories are planned in the saga that will complete the whole epic; this is the first part of a trilogy and the tip to an iceberg.

Level 1 25 posts since
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8. Feb 1, 2009 8:54 PM in response to: Chwedleuwr
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Chwedleuwr,

 

Your pitch is excellent!! REmember not to hard space between your paragraphs; that was pointed out n the tutorials.

Level 0 14 posts since
Jan 27, 2009
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9. Feb 1, 2009 8:55 PM in response to: Chwedleuwr
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

I'm SUPER celebrating. I've got everything ready to download AND ... my PITTSBURGH STEELERS have won their SIXTH SUPER BOWL RING! Hee Ha! Pass me an Iron City Beer, everyone!

Level 1 25 posts since
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10. Feb 1, 2009 8:57 PM in response to: rileymagnus
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Congrats riley to your steelers...I have a few friends at work in the morning who wil be on cloud nine!

Level 0 14 posts since
Jan 1, 2009
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11. Feb 1, 2009 8:58 PM in response to: billieboo
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Thanks, I was aware of that fact. For the sake of this forum I used the hard edits to make it easier to read! Now, to put it to the final test...

Level 1 25 posts since
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12. Feb 1, 2009 9:00 PM in response to: Chwedleuwr
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

one minute 'til that final test...

Level 1 6 posts since
Nov 26, 2007
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13. Feb 1, 2009 9:01 PM in response to: VictorianWriter
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Sounds like quite the tale, though you might want to spend a bit more of your space on things other than plot summary...

 

Here's mine (Sounds sort of outta place among the general literature, but...):

 

     "War - perhaps the greatest flaw of humanity. For many years, it has ravaged the great cities of Tyrandil. Mor Dreas and Anordath, the great rival cities, have been locked in war for far longer than anticipated. Xalin, a recruit in the military of Mor Dreas, questions the recent actions that the council has been involved in; unethical treatment of its soldiers and lack of political sense have brought the city close to its breaking point. But why would they sabotage their own nation? His plans for peace largely ignored, Xalin finds other means to achieve his goal. But how much can be sacrificed before peace is no longer a noble?

     From Anordath, Carinth and Erril rush to save Rose from abduction. After finding the girl, they rush to put her out of harm's reach. Their goal seemingly achieved after a long journey, they find they have done naught but drag her into yet another battle...

     Set in the fictional land of Tyrandil, The Destruction offers a unique tale of tradgedy and heroism. With many unique creatures, a deep history, the planet's own mechanical workings, and an ever-twisting plot, The Destruction is a tale that any avid fantasy reader will enjoy."

Level 0 14 posts since
Jan 1, 2009
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14. Feb 1, 2009 9:27 PM in response to: TyrandilScribe
Re: Let's have a last minute pitch review party! Here's mine!

Not bad, sounds like Steampunk. A review of your pitch shows only plot summary...just wanted you to know.

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